Letters for when the Love Lies

fountain pen and blank paper, with ink and pink roses decorating the table.
pen and letter
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Let’s begin with the cure:

I am consciously aware that what my thoughts tell me

are not the truth.

But sometimes they creep in insidiously,

a mosquito’s sickle tooth,

a bite I don’t notice until I accidentally scratch the wound.

I’m doing better, though.

I’m not touching it to make it worse.

Dear you, I’ve never told you about my mosquito bites.

Like when I’m standing in the kitchen eating ice cream and my brain hisses,

“they probably think you eat unhealthy,”

or when I wake up late my head says,

“they think you’re being lazy and you’re ruining their plans,”

no exaggeration, nothing but the truth, my head tells me this story that you think

I’m incompetent, unintelligent,

that I occupy a space in your life for that weirdo you have to put up with when I’m around.

My head believes you have a magnifying glass and if you uncovered my lies and inconsistencies

you’d never want to hear from me again.

But it’s just me, isn’t it?

My head, my magnifying glass, my lies, my tongue stopping up my own mouth.

Dear you,

sometimes I wish

I could be brutally honest with you,

that you’d use nothing but your ears and your imagination

to walk a meter in my shoes.

I know the cure,

I know the humans at the table don’t think so often about me,

I know their thoughts can’t actually hurt me,

except that I’m terrified of rejection so maybe they can,

the humans at the table eating pepperoni pizza probably think I’m totally fine,

just another warm body in a chair today, common as the sunlight,

this is how I’m changing what I think they think,

“someone actively likes you here.”

I know the remedy

but I don’t know reality,

the great grand scale between “everybody hates something about you” and

“everybody unequivocally loves you” is a minefield I can’t figure out,

but I know the cure

I know the cure

I get to pick who I get to be

under these insidious mosquitos

buzzing that nobody loves me.

4 thoughts on “Letters for when the Love Lies

  1. This floored me… There’s so much in here that resonates with my own life and how I view myself (and how others have viewed me). I’m not sure I breathed the entire time I spent reading this. Not only is this extraordinarily good writing, it’s extraordinarily meaningful writing. I’m sort of in awe of you right now, Jordyn. You’ve given me a lot to think about in this piece. Never stop writing. You’re making a difference in this world. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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