Veteran at Depression

I’m a veteran

at depression

though I never asked to be,

what a nice metaphor

for being at war

in my mind,

learning from experience

of years of this

not by choice

but by necessity.

Except I never felt like a soldier,

never faced down bullets, bombs, or blood,

never pictured armor as something that would save me

so much as

weigh me down–

this war is less a vengeant war, less violent, muffled in silence,

my sadness sometimes feels like part of Earth itself,

down deep blue where angler fish glow

and barreleyes make their heads clear so they can see out

or maybe so I can see in

to study this mind

trace the grooves like a maze

I’ve wandered in my whole life,

so I can pinpoint

which is the lure that wants to eat me

and which is the light breaking through,

my depression has fewer assaults across no man’s land

but more mornings where I wake up

just wanting to cry,

and I think I’m a veteran,

think I’m a pretty good swimmer

but some days

the dark comes lurking harder

the lures beg a little brighter

and the distant light weighs me down by so much pressure

but also exerts none at the same time–

I’m drowning

or also floating

but on a day like today

mostly I just wish

I could be a veteran

of happy endings instead.

***

find my novel at this link