***
this all rises
from the root of
childhood.
The very foundation
of understanding
I built before conscious awareness,
in order to make sense of the world.
Maybe my foundation
took stones from the quarry of self-doubt,
maybe it used mortar of mistrust in myself,
maybe it led me to believe
my parents’ rules kept my untrustworthy self safe
so I applied that logic to every authority figure in my life:
every school teacher who talked about sharing and honesty,
every friend
who didn’t want a girl to climb higher than her.
And maybe I never ventured beyond their rules
because I got brainwashed into believing
the rules were the way
to find happiness one day
and anything else would leave me
lonely,
dead,
or worse.
I lived in a world
where somebody
would drag me down
if I declared
I would fly,
but they wouldn’t do it out of malice (mostly),
they’d do it
because they believed
I’d only get hurt
if I took to the sky.
And I never tried
since what if
they were right
and I was wrong about my wings
and was only meant
to run? To walk? to hobble
along?
I just
never wanted to crash
and burn,
so I stayed inside the rules.
Played
by the game.
And when I dragged you down, Clarissa,
and ruined whatever was left between us,
I thought
I’d get hurt in the blast
like the rules of retribution said
so I flinched
then kept on flinching
when the bruises never came
then I bruised myself
in preparation of the pain
or because I thought it’s what I deserved–
there is she,
Isabel, beat
down to walk with the common folk,
right where she belongs,
right with rules to hobble her.
There is she,
she learned magic
but she ain’t special
she ate a night
but she ain’t special
she turned trees into people
but she ain’t special
something’s
gonna
burn
her
for wanting the sky,
somebody’s
gonna
hurt her
for cutting them off,
somebody’s
gonna
break
her
for messing around
no more
no more
maybe
in fact
she is better than you
and maybe
no God in the clouds
will strike her down
for speaking this truth into
existence:
she was not born
for rules to bind her
to the ground
and you
will not
hurt her
you
will not
burn her
and I will not be ashamed of saying so,
I deserve no punishments
no pain
so even if they come
they come by happenstance,
they come by enemies, and I will fight them
they come by the jealous tree folk
and doe-eyed demons I outdid to graduate;
bow to me
bow you sorry cretins
bow upon the piled laws you made
to tie me down
to your pyre
and don’t even bother
lifting your heads
to watch me fly
cuz I will rise
and leave you all behind
and you can
burn
where you tried to watch me blaze.
***
Looking for a Halloween read? Check out my book at this link
Jordyn Saelor 