Luigi’s Eulogy

Goodbye, Luigi. I never actually played as you or your Italian brother; not in Mariokart, Super Mario Bros, nothing. Quite frankly, I always thought you and Mario were the most boring characters. Who would want to be the humans, when they could be turtles or toadstools, ghosts or skeletons instead?

Goodbye, Luigi. I’m really impressed you survived sliding out on a banana peel in a go-kart, and you stayed calm when those bombs blasted your bike.

I think it’s amazing you survived the lava in Bowser’s castle, and those spikes stabbing your spine. It’s super impressive you broke nothing in that fall from the castle doors clear to the lowest floors.

You also held your breath a ridiculously long time in that cave, until that giant purple fish ate you. But wow, you came back from that one too.

Goodbye, Luigi. It’s quite amazing you could go-kart in space. Falling off rainbow roads never did you in, or getting shot from cannons clear up mountainsides.

I still don’t understand how eating a red flower gave you fireball powers, but alas, it happened. A lot.

Goodbye, Luigi. I still can’t believe you choked on pasta, and nobody knew the Heimlich well enough to save you.

But hey, if they add ghost-Luigi to a game, I might play as you. Probably not, since fish-ghosts are radically more exciting than people-ghosts, but really, anything could happen. You did die to spaghetti, after all.