I’m nervous about sharing this poem, because it’s maybe a little too vulnerable, but…depression really does get like this sometimes. It comes and goes in waves and when the waves go real low, well…it feels like this poem.
Sometimes I get discouraged and just existing feels really hard. But I wrote this poem a little over a week ago, and the wave’s coming back up now. Bad places are just that, bad places, and good or neutral or just “less bad” places come along too.
***
I guess I’m in a bad place
cuz
my best friend said they
don’t know much about my life,
and I
kept it inside
so I wouldn’t make the moment about me
instead of
their bad weekend,
but I
felt the walls between us then
like they stood unbroken,
and I
am in a bad place cuz
my brain’s got to thinking
no one will ever care,
but if I died
maybe they’d care a little more,
maybe I just gotta make a mess
for the attention, yes,
maybe I just gotta burn this
kindness
to the ground,
and I
am in a bad place
with the loneliness
such that I
tell it to a screen
and expect strangers to see
and cure me
and I
don’t wanna die
but I don’t see
what to feed this heart to keep beating
when I fundamentally
don’t want to be here,
like I
~~
keep trying for the beauty
but it doesn’t grow,
like I
keep watering my ambition
but it leaks all hope,
like I
keep reaching for people’s hearts
but they don’t show,
we’re frozen in the snow,
and maybe the issue is
me
(what if it was always me?)
so maybe the issue is
me
and I was just destined to be like this,
unknowable and silenced
(don’t you get it?)
the world was not a place
for you to change with your dreams,
it was only ever a dream
outside your reach.
~~
Don’t you get it?
You’re boring, kid.
And this ain’t worth it.
~~
Ahemmm, yeah, so,
I’m in a bad place,
just depression things,
don’t mind me
I’ll be fine
I got this
no one is coming to save you
but you got this,
you got this,
you got this
you got this
go
***
find my published books at this link
Jordyn Saelor 