Dark thoughts, Night thoughts

Burn world, burn

I’ll spite you

survive you

build a palace from your ashes,

burn world, BURN

you have never loved me, have you?

—

dark thoughts, night thoughts, stray thoughts:

this boy wants a boyfriend,

because he’s tired of being the gayest person in the room

–at least two trees in a hurricane of married couples and their kids

have a better chance than one of withstanding the flash floods of aloneness.

dark thoughts, night thoughts, stray thoughts:

This girl wants the psychology professor

to just not mention romance, for one lecture,

because she’d rather eat cookies than have anything to do with romance;

aren’t our complex human minds capable of more emotions than romance?

Then why do we talk so often about boys and girls in happily ever after?

—

night thoughts:

if I could

burn up the world,

I would make the flames teach

every skin about discrimination,

brand in the people’s bones

the feeling of living inside a girl’s body

when he doesn’t belong there;

I would ask the flames

to ravage every joy the people own,

push them to the brink of asking

“what are we doing here, on this planet,

what purpose do I have, when I have nothing?”

sharp thoughts, stray thoughts, savage thoughts:

I go alone to bed under the blankets

in the dark

the moon blooms blue when the black clouds quit covering her,

and I cry a tiny bit because nobody knows me,

if I vanished, nobody would know who I am,

I’m a whole multitude of uncomfortable secrets

inappropriate to bring up amidst the small talk, weekly plans, chattering on like how was your day?

Okay

I cannot tell my story

to my sister or her husband

because they’re laughing about the windshield wipers

accidentally flipping on

and talking about how weird that makes them;

I cannot tell my story

to the parents who just care for their picture perfect family

coming home for Christmas;

I cannot scream

in life or online

for my throat is not mine;

I cannot cry

or the baby I’m watching over will start crying too,

I save up my tears for the nights

the dark

where nobody can see me

and nobody can know me.

—

dark thoughts,

welcome to this old, familiar dance–

weep silently with me after midnight

go to sleep with me late

again

walk through

an unscorched world

again

I’m here, my stray thoughts flame,

I will survive

to spite you

world,

for you have never loved me.

But one day you will burn

and I will make a new home where you

tried to make me not exist.